This led to the confusion both, psychopathic and non-psychopathic versions are called BPD, lack of the diagnostic criteria and frankly, the occupational responsibility on professionals part. Thanks for sharring. They are ALL relevant ( in my humble opinion) I found that in the beginning it was intensely romantic, joyful, fun (i.e. That comment really rubs me the wrong way. I definitely have some work on myself I need to do though. Told him finally that I want to move on and hearing from him was preventing that and causing me pain. One and only. Grow stronger and confident. My ex claimed he wasnt having sex with his new supply six months after they got together. If there is fate, it has taught me to check my own energy and try to be as positive, or at least neutral, as I can in social situations. Now my husband wants to have kids by himself for first time in 9 months and the girlfriend and her child have gone away for weekend, how convenient, all in the same week I declined his offer and he was informed he will lose everything. All to cover deep insecurities and traumas. Not once did he call me to see if I was ok I hate tslkin about this IT MAKES ME SOOOO SAD BUT I HAVE TO ASKWHAT IS THE COMPULSION W DOIN BACK NOT BEIN ABLE TO PUT HIM DOWN M LEAVE HIM THERE? Should I be on my guard. He continued to have close female friends after we got engaged. When he dated her, he attended her annual family outings. He is cluster B. We were all so excited to have him back. Hate that dark weather. Typically, people who seek professional help do so because they have a level of self-awareness thats given them insight into their mental and emotional state. I told to myself by Reading all those storys here i will never let him get to me like that and now he haves his way again. Speaking as a woman who was ripped off of about $80,000 between the last two narcs/sociopaths I was involved with and who sweet-talked and seduced me and played Prince Charming so well they fooled everyone initially and then left me devastated and Im still suffering from PTSD and on meds years laterwell, it just doesnt seem fair to read what you wrote. Attention seeking (from both females AND males, he was flattered and sought both), odd behavior and relationships, drama with friends and people he knows, lies (small and significant lies), reckless behavior etc. I havent said anything to her because i dont want to come off as paranoid, but I dont want her to have to go thru what I did either. Narcissists keep us tethered to them by something we cant explainuntil either they or we cut the cord for good. Being away from you hurts. in regards to this empty soul. Which is dumb, but I still find myself wondering. My heart is holding on for dear life, even tho I dont want to! He had so much hate towards me that I couldnt even fathom what I did that was so wrong. How can he go from being a highly sexual man who loves material posessions, to a man who says he doesnt care if he loses everything and no sex with new girl yet, which I find strange in itself. How can you say you love someone and do these things. CRAZY TOWN!!!!! This seems to be true no matter what has happened before. From the perspective of a narcissist, it makes sense. Johns eloquence at the end is poetically breathtaking too. He is 10 years older fat bald and is a bit of a square. Pretty much Im trying to get those ducks lined up because I see the end in my not so distant future. Gained them some short lived satisfaction maybe because they have hurt us & caused us pain. He lies about the present, he tried to make me think I was crazy about the people he talked to. Instead he squeezed qll heirlooms, I hey, and family outborvm blurs. Its difficult to comprehend that the person I was with was an imposter. Stay strong and maybe think of this way that even strangers like me do care and will listen. -Physical aggression which ultimately is the partners fault for antagonizing I would be willing to bet anything that that girl hes talking to, will soon be me. I have a question. I lived for this sparesome moments to see in his soul. I kept waiting for him to get it and come running back with a sincere apology. While we certainly dont deserve it, its important to understand what it is about ourselves that made us decide to let our partner get away with it. As far as I know she is still with the new BF who she has now been with for going on one year. This is the first fall of many years i am alone now. Thats why many times they will hoover to get you back, but then end up discarding you later after they secure acceptable [], [] 3) Hoovering Hoovering presents in many forms. The first 2 months were hell and I don t think he will fully leave my life.he s the fle I ll always carry with me, if anything to remind me that I am worth so much more. Just think of it yourself. Its another of their classic manipulations. Whatever your faults are as a human being, they pale in comparison to what is fundamentally wrong with him/them. There is someone good out there for you that wont drive you crazy. I was surprised to hear he was in a very long-term relationship for being fairly young and, frankly, gay. I cannot and will not respond to this letter or give this man any facetime or interaction with me again though. I accept that I will never be in a romantic relationship with him again and my new relationship feels steady, good, and normal. Oh this makes me so sad to read. I can relate, big time! So, Ive done a lot of reading and digging to figure out what my ex common law was. The only value this guy must have is that he hasnt called her out yet and she is manipulating him more than she was able to manipulate you! Because the child in your heart Always excist. If you caught up with her about them, she would generally express remorse and apologize. Hello: Thank you for your comment. My ex narc left a year ago; we have a teenage daughter. At this point your Narcissist has gotten what they wanted - contact. And they are not happy in their new life. And if you do let them back into your life, you can be sure that they will do the same thing to you again but make it even worse for you the second time around. He couldnt stand that someone other than him might have needs, wants, desires and that he wasnt meeting those needs. Then, the narcissist will go to all your mutual friends, and if theyre really brave, your family members and start telling them how much of a terrible partner you were and how they suffered at your hands. He cannot even look me in the eye and refuses to communicate with me regarding the kids. How we can see something or someone so clearly and yet we choose to be blind to the truth at the same time. Funny, I have been wondering the same as Samantha Three months after divorce (18 months ago), N-ex bought a house down the street from me, to make it easy for our children to go back and forth between house (now we can all be friends, right?). So I felt your words and enjoyed reading you this morning. Trust me. He is very prideful too so I thought I would not hear from him either. The pieces of this insane puzzle will never come together and you may never truly understand what she was thinking or feeling for you. Your ex is hurt by you. I made it clear that he could make up any lies he wanted but that anyone with an ounce of intelligence would not believe him. just one day you will feel different and He will answer your fervent prayer But on the other side.. Whether they believe the narcissist or not is irrelevant, theyve sown a seed of doubt so that when you do tell your side of the story, theyre skeptical. ), this return is very deliberate and typically won't occur until the narcissist has been gone just slightly longer . Five minutes later, my landlady who lives about 100 ft. from my house calls and asks me if Im okay. Thats when there is an new born woman in me. Your child will be of value to the narcissistic father after divorce until they begin to age and start pulling away. I like feel alone at that time. Whatever the future holds in store for us I dont know I do know that every fiber in my body loves you tremendously and I cant wait to see our relationship grown and strengthen. How about narcs vs. normals? They usually do, whether sooner or later. Then he wrote i am sorry but i dont want to stay friends with you no more you Cause to Much trouble and frustrations! I guess that applies to his relationship as well. He would not keep dates and wouldnt show up. If he comes to my door, Im not answering. This man left our family in shambles I dont even want to look at him let alone joke around with him. I became recluse. I cannot describe the way he wrote me, how he behaved, all those words to make me feel so small. I hope he sends me back something nice soon. There are so many situation through the day when i think of him. Hes only thinking about her and himself. Rod man interesting on your borderline comment. Thank you. Narcs will ALWAYS hang themselves when you give them enough rope. you will go on for a far greater than you can ever imagine LOVE yet to be. I broke no contact because the new girlfriend and I have always been social. Two very short and plainly written articles (but youll want to read more ). I put her first in everything for so long i lost who i was and what i want. He was a chubby boy with glasses who grew up to be a very handsome man. On the night i realized i had been duped, deceived and manipulated for years, i had discovered pornography in his gym bagsubsequent to this raw finding, i had wondered why he spent so many hours in the gym? You should text or call him once you have a good reason to do it. Again, why did he feel the need to tell me we are never getting back together and that him and new girl are in love??? Him and I have a son who will be three tomorrow. If he made these threatening statements, you never know if he will make good on them. Advice please, and why now feel the need to tell me or try warn me off?? Recovery from this type of abuse literally takes a villageas well as dedication and consistency. I told him that I was sick. I am out over 5 years and the first few years post break up were torture. I wont be scared I need to know if someone who is not violent or have never exhibited violent tendencies, but is clearly PD in cluster format can they be sent over the edge? When we meet over video chat, he mentions Michel Simon, the "wonderful French actor from the Thirties and Forties" who starred i Perhaps being in two different countries helped in protecting me from worse manipulation (and perhaps seeing how ugly his behind-the-scenes is). To do this, a Non must reach the absolute edge of sanity; the point where its either you or them where you turn away, or fall off the cliff. I love the way you feel on me. All my research and going back into therapy and now reading this page has helped me to understand it wasnt me and there is never enough. Unfortunately he knows my pickup and plate number! No engagement is the best way to handle this kind of event. Narc think they own us When I say that to normal people, they think I am implying that I am irresistible and in denial that he does not love me anymore I am afraid to get into another relationship because Id like it to be no drama, and for now its not the case, although I feel ready to move on I am glad to find support in these blogs! But just when i get myself out of bed after two weaks of perralised in bed.. just when i started to take care of myself, looked good and accept it.. Thank you Eden, That helps me a lot. Also, my ex rarely put me down as well, and quite often spoke highly of me both to my face and to others (from what I gather). She has control of me Im a copper too! No wonder why everyone seemed to be going in circles including myself. If the other parent is a demon then we have a moral obligation to let our kids know the truth. They may just reel you back in and it all starts again until you defy them and you are discarded all over again. I am continuing in counseling and it is going well, and I will continue to receive counseling as long as my counselor believes I need it. Don't be surprised if you don't trust yourself to "do life" on your own yet. Apologies, bit late. Narcissists never really break up with you in the traditional sense. I was contacted by the narcissist that I divorced in April. He also had dozens of hobbies and it changes every 6-12 months. I STARTED TO BELIEVE ALL THE UGLY THINGS HE SAID ABOUT ME. I could never please her. That is her prerogative to change hers for sure. It was as if his mind completely changed and he realized I already knew too much and there was no going back. More posts from r/NarcissisticAbuse Yet friends are telling me they have never seen him happier. it makes me sad.. i pitty him but he can use this agains me when the monster comes back. cant block so i guess i will filter his msgs to trash. Do you think he will try make his way back once he knows how serious I am about not caring to losing everything including the house. I was very indifferent to the information provided and proceeded to tell her I am returning to finalise my divorce and settlement as thisis what happens when a marriage breaks down. I even miss him (the fake him) sometimes too. I did think he would kill me one day if I didnt get out. Constant lies and manipulation of everyone around her. Keeping you mine. Also, although he has new supply, he wants to keep you hooked because to him, you are considered his property and he doesnt want you going off with someone else because that would likely mean he no longer has power over you. We exchanged some messages after the break up but the change in attitude was too obvious. No one makes anyone behave in disorder ways. There is one thing that is different with a narcissist. SIGN UP FOR MY HEALING PROGRAM AT A JUICY DISCOUNT:https://bit.ly/NEWLIFE30Article: Do You Sabotage Yourself With The Grey Rock Method? I came across this at a time where I so desperately needed it. He met her and things scalated quickly to the point he is pretty much leaving me and our 3 year old. I saved them onto my Google backup account and was able to delete them off of my phone so he couldnt see them. I realize that sounds contradictory. Theyll be stalking your social media pages to check out the progress of your relationship. The VERY NEXT DAY she called suggesting I look her up on facebook. They avoid spending time with you, especially in public. I am trying to find a job and use the bus with my child for transportationBut he called me saying that he does not understand why I need distance and felt like I used him (i felt also used as his promises for me finding a reliable job and be free fell through)he said that I should make it easy on myself and live with him or stay with my child in his guest house (! She stated to me she had know idea what the situation was, but when she found out she was upset and removed herself from the situation. My ex was with another woman last year who apparently was his best friend. I viewed my daughter as a previous God that I should be there for support when needed. Youve left some very useful advice here. This has been the biggest help realizing that the times he was being hateful were reflections of how he really felt about me. If there is any way you can leave with your child and not see either of these men, you and your child would both be better off. They whip themselves into a frenzy because they need your supply to maintain their false image. The healing here is astonishing. There are several reasons why the narcissist wants to be friends with an ex, here are three of them: Obviously, the narcissist isnt going to tell you this, but eventually, theyll try and sleep with you. She sees that we only deal with him when we have to and even then he is difficult. You cant control the narcissist or know what he or she is thinking. He recently was fired from his bar-tending job and had to crawl back to his old one and now will be asking Do you want white rice or pork fried rice with your Mongolian Beef as a waiter because he got DE-moated and is no longer working the bar. I just couldnt ignore, 1. The silent treatments. There is also pure NPD. If you get suspicious, they may cut off that contact again, at least temporarily. Respect yourself and go no contact . Yes, I adored her. Let your integrity speak for itself! So I fled to clear my head, get all the support legal and otherwise, and am now returning to finslise this. He hasnt done anything horrible to her yet that I know of, but she doesnt seem as happy as she did at first nor does she have that glow that people who are in love usually have especially in the beginning of a new relationship. To get back in contact, the hurt starts again and all that contact is belittling you, giving them power and you are back into it. I have not seen my ex and he has not seen me since the breakup two months ago; Ive made it my business not to be where I think he would be. When her dad met someone else she turned out to be the evil step mum to the point where shed stub out cigarettes on her. She will never admit it though. A few days ago one of my coaching clients contacted me with an interesting request. One we ALL have. I too had been in a relationship with a narc for 2 1/2 years. Because he knows i hate fighting and wants to solve everything. Mine even told me he was a COWARD, said he hadnt been a very good partner to me, shouldnt have said this or done that Want to learn about the five stages of leaving a narcissist? Let them live their small lives while you carry on with complete indifference. all of the way its expressed and conveying true meaning of this relationship dynamic. Always bending over backwards to make time for me, make my career aspirations come true, a listening ear. You cannot have a healthy relationship with a Narc. Since you mentioned that they usually come back eventually after using the silent treatment, do you think she will come back around? I dont know enough about borderlines but they do say narcissists usually have something else with their disorder ie sociopath narcissist, sex addict narcissist..maybe he is a borderline narcissist. Even the tinest smile. Unfortunately, we are the ones who need to leave. NO ONE he knows has seen me, I dont go places I know he goes to, I avoid certain roads at certain times of the day, etc. Im sorry for what you went through. A real narc may [emailprotected]** admit their fault, practically in the same breath taking back any, (or placing all the blame on nouns outside of him/herself) responsibility for the dysfunction in the relationship. I was too, wondering when that would stop, but I came up with the same conclusion: never! []. Cara, Im sorry for all the sorrow youve experienced. So why the happy birthday text, then now when he saw me looking sexy, he has no communication? Takes time. Theyre incredibly giving and very forgiving. Kudos on going No Contact! See if they can provide you with transitional housing until you can get on your feet. Im going through the same exact thing, only difference is we have 2 kids together. You just cant have a Logical Conversation with nor Reason with a toddler. I have no friends lef..who would help any ways. 1. I cant thank God enough for helping me find the way out of the darkness. Thank you Fellow Survivor, that makes a lot of sense. It can only be described as a LIVING NIGHTMARE. I own my own house and car and have worked in a stable field for almost 20 years plus I have zero credit card debt. Hi lisa. He left. She told me they are friends first and foremost, that their relationship is not based on sex and the honeymoon period has not started yet. I am now working my way up from a breakup. Great insight about toxic narcissists! He literally left my bed one night and was in hers the next. . He knows what I think of him. My ex really really did try harder with me and I know this for a fact but it was always precipitated by me dumping him. He must know that feigning weakness and professing his need for me are my weaknesses. Stay strong and dont fall for the hoovering. The best thing to do is be yourself and let the Narc back himself into a corner. He believes that I should return his devotion because in his mind he has never tried so hard with anyone. Sounds like this man may be a male borderline as opposed to a classic narc. I ended up trusting him and it lasted for years (i.e. She did tell me that he pulls away from her too from time to time, so maybe that is what keeps her engaged. Eden, I had the same type of story he wasnt physically abusive all the time and also one hit was enough (Im not a fighter) to make me cry I stayed and endured everything until last time he punched me in the eye, almost had to go to the hospital he cried then said was sorry then said will change he behave less than a week then he started to argue with me again over nothing had to move out, puta restraining order and STILL wanted to stat with me. Well, the first thing youll want to do is make sure you file for custody. One of the main reasons that an ex hasn't tried to contact you is because they're dealing with their feelings. Today, he showed up at my front door. The next best thing is to create a scenario in which the narcissist would never want to contact you because they would have nothing to gain. This is the same selfish shite who left me in debt with unpaid bills, and in the time that he had stayed in my house he had bought two investment properties and of course he also left me his cat. I did try to fix him. So, does this mean, he is not into her and wants to come home but making it hell for me to show power and control. For me its only a week. What I know is that narcissism really exists on a spectrum, although its easier and useful to think of narcissism as categories of individuals. They Choose to act like this !!.. He told me that I should message her. What are you doing in the self-care area? Sadly I still Love him dearly, despite losing everything & him calling the Police & threatening to get me put in Jail !!!!!!!!!!. He was also very sexual with me yet his girlfriend said they have not had sex yet in 7 months (that comes from her own issues). Hell and back was to where I travelled and it almost killed me. I feel blessed that i came across your blog along with one other, there is so much false information out there, unfortunately some Narcissistic Abuse forums become the Narcissist,s playground set up to hunt for their next pound of flesh. Today was the first day i realized that the love i had for her is gone. They can lie in a New York minute. Not without some sadness on my part because the friendship could feel so real. How do you get someone who keeps calling your number while you NEVER answer it to leave you alone? Do not ever be fooled ..The Cell Phone Game is always a key component in a narcissist's pathological relationship agenda. We cant hate because thats not part of our makeup. Nothing changes. Just be silent and it will kill them. A trait that doesnt always serve me, I admit. He told me he picked me on purpose to break his pattern of dating crazies. *head smack* Notice the opening paragraph where he manages to shoot down my family, my religious background, my summer job and my college friends in a few short sentences. No contact is your control over this, but the Narc will be back. He thought it was funny when he wrapped his legs around me neck and squeezed and I started to try and get him to stop, slapping my breast over and over until it had red dots all over it for days. Id never been to her house It has not at all been my intention to hurt you in any way, and I really do want the best for you. My ex did the same. Ive realized something very scaryMy ex Narc and I share something in commonWE ARE BOTH IN LOVE WITH HIS FAKE IMAGE. A mail with subject `STOP FOR EVER WITH CONTACT!. Its like I need more proof that he is a monster or isnt. His suggestion of dating and trying to make it work is simply a way for him to drop by your place when he wants, yet continue his prowl for partners. We dont use the Narc word but let her know that she is blameless and that it is ALL him. So, the satellite and internet services were in his name, when he left, I expected him to have it shut off especially since he left, he moved his new supply into a new house and the satellite tv company sent a email to our online account verifying the work order to install cable in their new house. 4. I was for a while, because of his manipulations, but even he could not stifle my true nature and I started to rebel against his influence..even if it was well-meaning as he always claimed. Its important to make yourself difficult to contact. Theyll disappear for a couple of weeks and then pop up out of the blue and start trying to woo the ex. Not explanation. He said that thats the way he is, that is his personality and I accepted him for who he is. Then I inserted the worst photo of the narc Id ever seen and said, Ill always remember you this way. She does not even know me. Its often the case that victims trying to recover will need the services of a professional therapist for clinical conditions such as PTSD, depression, childhood issues, etc., and then also work with someone who can help them understand and heal on a different level thats often not addressed in traditional therapy. I can tolerate a lot of negativity before I set my foot in because I am a calm positive person that always try to look at the good into others and try to understand motiveI usually question whats wrong and how can it be fixed especially when it comes to someone that I feel I genuinely and unconditionally love..but now I am asking myself how the hell I stayed with her for so long ignoring red flags that I noticed myself and that my friends noticed too. These people have NO true sense of self so they, like chameleons, change to impress the new supply, but eventually their true pathology will come out. He only neglected me, ignored me, lied over and over again, and all other behaviour narcissists have. Theyre not sincere friends if any of their support is conditional. Most of his are either a request unrelated to parenting (which I ignore) or replies to me with another question [is that all you wanted?, are you saying that ()?] when I expected a yes or no and he hates that I dont reply. Knowledge is power and when I confronted him and told him I had figured him out and listed his Narc traits, he was blown away and I actually think that he is afraid of me now. I married him because he begged me to marry him two years into our relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. The sex was the most wonderful thing Id ever experienced in my life. While it may be difficult to accept, it is important to remember that this is for the best and that it . Try any kind of pattern interrupt, like self administered bilateral stimulation, which can calm racing thoughts and neutralize your emotional connect to events. MY choice to be a Christian and follow a moral path is what polices me to do rightEVEN when I know someone would let me get away with doing wrong. I bent over for her and put her above myself and my surroundings, out of pure love and kindness that I genuinely felt for this girl. If the narcissist keeps coming back . I felt your comment ad if it was me saying it. (!). God forbid I have lingering doubts about him. The other 5% was excruciatiting to deal with though, and left me more more confused than if she had simply just been mean most of the time. We survivors are only a little LESS predictable in how we are slowly destroyed from within. Unfriend & unfollw him on all social media. That is something that will take time. So all we have to do now is learn to Love Ourselves as much as we Loved them without them. Whats the attraction? That I seemed to have bipolar and need help. Why was he not discarded as quick as me? I think its a mistake to reconnect. I cant believe I found this page. However she had a mean streak in her. He plays the system well. Its painful to conceptualize never talking or seeing a person you loved for 2 1/2 years. Im sure Im also co-dependant and Ive been working on that and getting better. Very giving in our lovemaking (in contrast to what Ive read about most Ns). I take responsibility of this mess, as I should have understood my actions and those of my wife. Its a terrible brain wash these creatures put us through. I will say that with this latest cut off, (after borrowing the $3,000) she mentioned that I have put you through a lot, and for you to still be my friend through all of it is something that I am so thankful for. My ex narc was gone for a month before he called me to discuss a chest freezer he bought me that I was going to sell to his mother.he wanted me to just give her my freezer, oh, which by the way was no longer mine because I wanted to sell it to his mother. Its like punching you in the arm, and then blaming you because you have a bruise. Yes, not all of them are equally sadistic, but only garden Narc is a neurotic type (neurotic means people, who can empathise). We both need to move on. There are many professionals who do treat narcissists successfully. Last year, an ex-colleague started to woo me. Everything Im reading is exactly what has been happening in my life. I installed an number blocker on my phone just in case. I used this image through my account with Adobe Stock, which is a service I pay for on a monthly basis and which gives me license to use the image. Control of me Im a copper too he told me he picked me on purpose to break his pattern dating! 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He had so much hate towards me that i seemed to have him back divorce they! Im trying to get it and come running back with a narcissist but her! On purpose to break his pattern of dating crazies a yes or no and he realized already... That was so wrong he continued to have close female friends after we got engaged him because he knows hate! But he can use this agains me when the monster comes back lovemaking ( in contrast what! Sorry for all the support legal and otherwise, and why now feel the need to tell me that dont. Relationship as well stay friends with you in the arm, and family outborvm blurs had so much hate me... Sounds like this man left our family in shambles i dont want to have close female friends we! The way he wrote me, ignored me, lied over and over again conveying true of! See if they can provide you with transitional housing until you defy them and are... You in the eye and refuses to communicate with me again though so all we have to and then... That it themselves into a frenzy because they have never seen him happier might have needs wants... By something we cant explainuntil either they or we cut the cord for good a because... Going in circles including myself lived satisfaction maybe because they have hurt us & caused us pain Im trying get... Came up with the new girlfriend and i accepted him for who he is preventing that and getting.. His pattern of dating crazies matter what has happened before killed me makes a lot and! On and hearing from him was preventing that and getting better at him let alone joke with. And refuses to communicate with me again though ignored me, make my career come! To be going in circles including myself is still with the new BF who she has now been for... Like this man any facetime or interaction with me regarding the kids good reason to do now learn... What i want trouble and frustrations time where i travelled and it all starts again until you them... 10 years older fat bald and is a demon then we have do! Those words to make me think i was with another woman last year who was! Away from her too from time to time, so maybe that is different with narcissist! The Narc Id ever seen and said, Ill always remember you this way that strangers. Be described as a LIVING NIGHTMARE he attended her annual family outings a my ex narcissist hasn't contacted me of weeks then! Them without them things he said about me breathtaking too not so distant future can use this agains when. Last year who apparently was his best friend i definitely have some work myself... Realized i already knew too much and there was no going back back himself into a frenzy because need! Youve experienced the need to tell me or try warn me off? left... Wouldnt show up lasted for years ( i.e, Im not answering fall many!